Fellow Grumpsters, this one’s a full-on ceremonial squint. “We Will Keep Our Eyes Closed CrankaTsuris” is the Grumbleverse’s tribute to strategic obliviousness, laminated denial, and the sacred art of not seeing what’s right in front of you.
The Grumbles have decided that keeping their eyes open only leads to confrontation, accountability, and brisket-based disappointment. So they’ve opted out. Eyes closed. Scrolls unread. Feelings unacknowledged. Birdie squawks “IF YOU DON’T SEE IT, YOU DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT!”
Here’s the podcast chapter:
🎙️ Episode 101: “We Will Keep Our Eyes Closed CrankaTsuris”
Tagline: The vision is optional. The denial is laminated. And nobody’s looking at anything.
[00:00–00:30] INTRO MUSIC
SFX: Scrolls flutter, brisket bubbles, eyelids shut.
BIRDIE: “IF YOU DON’T SEE IT, YOU DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT!”
MUSIC: Klezmer remix of The Avoidance Hora — every chorus ends with “I didn’t see that.”
[00:30–02:00] OPENING MONOLOGUE
DEBBIE (narrating):
Steven… this is a podcast episode where the Grumbles have made a collective decision:
Eyes closed.
Sylvia refuses to read the scroll.
Barry graphs with his eyes shut.
Shayna dances “I didn’t see that.”
Grandpa Herschel mutters “If I didn’t see it, it didn’t happen.”
And Birdie squawks *“VISION IS JUST A LIABILITY!”
[02:00–05:00] Segment 1: Sylvia’s Scroll Refusal
SYLVIA:
I closed my eyes before reading the inheritance scroll.
BARRY:
You signed it blindfolded.
SYLVIA:
It was symbolic.
BIRDIE:
“SYMBOLISM IS JUST A BLUR WITH INTENTION!”
[05:00–08:00] Segment 2: Barry’s Blindfolded Spreadsheet
BARRY:
Column A: Things I didn’t see.
Column B: Things I refused to see.
Column C: Things I saw but pretended not to.
SHAYNA:
You graphed your denial.
BIRDIE:
“DENIAL ISN’T A DATA POINT!”
[08:00–11:00] Segment 3: Shayna’s Interpretive Avoidance
SHAYNA:
I danced “I didn’t see that.”
TINA:
You wore a scroll labeled “Willful Blindness.”
SHAYNA:
It was emotionally expressive.
BIRDIE:
“EXPRESSIVE ISN’T OBSERVANT!”
[11:00–14:00] Segment 4: Grandpa Herschel’s Visionless Wisdom
GRANDPA HERSCHEL:
If I didn’t see it, it didn’t happen.
SYLVIA:
You laminated that phrase.
GRANDPA HERSCHEL:
I wear it on a lanyard.
BIRDIE:
“LAMINATION ISN’T A DEFENSE!”
[14:00–17:00] 🎭 NEW FAMILY BLINDSPOTS
🧃 Cousin Bev:
Brews kombucha labeled “Willful Ignorance.”
She drinks it with her eyes closed.
📣 Uncle Morty:
Reads a scroll titled “Things I Refused to See.”
It’s blank. Laminated. Indexed.
🎨 Aunt Goldie:
Unveils a painting titled “Still Life with Avoidance.”
It’s just a closed curtain.
[17:00–20:00] 🎧 SPONSOR PARODY SEGMENT
VOICEOVER:
This episode is brought to you by EyeShut™ — the only app that helps you avoid reality with style.
EyeShut™: Because seeing things is emotionally expensive.
[20:00–26:00] CLOSING MONOLOGUE
DEBBIE (narrating):
In this family, vision is optional.
Denial is laminated.
And nobody’s looking at anything.
So next time someone says “Did you see that?”…
Just squawk louder. Birdie does.
SFX: Scrolls flutter. Kombucha fizzes. Eyelids shut. Birdie squawks with ceremonial oblivion.
