This is a story about Big Tony.  Big Tony was the Big Boss of the Big Family. Big Tony also had a big temper. One day, his Cousin Vinnie came to talk to Big Tony, and apparently rubbed Big Tony the wrong way. Big Tony had this bad habit that if someone rubbed him the wrong way, chances were that the only thing that this person would end up rubbing would be maybe a rock at the bottom of the Hudson River.

Everybody in the Big Family put up with Big Tony being sensitive to the way he was rubbed because let’s face it, he was the Big Boss.  Being the Big Boss comes with certain… let’s call them CrankaTsuris privileges.  However, everybody loved Cousin Vinnie, and when he disappeared, it upset many people in the Big Family.

Big Tony tried to explain himself:

“I am truly sorry about our Cousin Vinnie.  I loved him as much as anyone else.  I always remember how he got my nephews Johnny and Marco off that murder rap down in Alabama back in the 90s. But, Cousin Vinnie came to me and he was barking up the wrong tree. You bark up the wrong tree, and that shows disrespect. My job is to take care of anyone who barks up the wrong tree. Even Cousin Vinnie.”

The Big Family members confronted Big Tony.  Big Tony’s two uncles, Abbot and Costello, was sent as family representatives to speak with Big Tony:

Abbot: Big Tony, I understand the disrespect, but Cousin Vinnie was just asking you to pass the clam sauce for his pasta. He did not say you had the clams.  Well, you did have the clams with the sauce, and that is why he asked you for it.

Costello: Yeah. What he said.

Abbot: I know about this good shrink. She comes highly recommended. Dr. Sylvia Burt.  She is a Certified Barking Up the Right Tree specialist. 

Costello: Yeah. What he said.

Big Tony: Do you think this shrink can help me.  Maybe, I am getting a bit sensitive. I feel bad about my Cousin Vinnie. I should let you know that the clams were particularly delicious that night. Muy delichioso!

Abbot: She is the best there is. And, yes. The clams in that restaurant are the best!  Not a bad clam in the bunch! Ever!

Big Tony went to see Dr. Burt. She got Big Tony to listen better to understand when people were barking up the right tree.  However, Big Tony got too good at letting people bark up his tree, and word started to get out on street to other families. Apparently, it was not good business for the Big Family to let everyone see the Big Boss and have the Big Boss be the right tree for every bark.

The Big Family members became concerned and sent Big Tony’s two brothers, Cheech and Chong (These were just their nicknames. Not their real names. Because of a large drug sting involving another family, they were given these names and they are currently in a witness protection program.) to sit down and talk with Big Tony.

Cheech: Big Tony. We are here to speak with you about a serious matter.

Chong: You are cool with that.  Right?

Big Tony: You are barking up the right tree!  See. The therapy worked. I do not get upset about anything anymore. What do you get for me today?

Cheech: See. It’s like this. You are the Big Boss. Word has gotten out that you have gotten soft, and I think it has something to with the bark up the right tree thing you have got going here.

Chong: You are cool with that.  Right?

Cheech: What Chong means to say is that it has hurt the family business.  It is definitely not at all cool. Uncool as can be. Everything is out of whack. The family business is in complete disarray. 

Big Tony: So, what are you telling me? Wrong tree. Right tree. What freakin’ tree do you want me to be?

Cheech: We thought about this. It is not about trees. We have big stuff that you have to take care of and the small stuff…that is for everyone else.

Chong: We just do not want you to sweat the small stuff. You are cool with that. Right?

Cheech: Yeah. This is the thing. A friend of mine, this guy Woody Barker, told me about this therapist Dr. Desssiree Disssaray. She is the best there is in helping patients to learn how not to sweat the small stuff.  But, she also specializes in helping people sweat the big stuff.

Big Tony went to Dr. Disssaray. Dr. Disssaray helped Big Tony to figure out what the small stuff was, and accept that the other family members would take care of the small stuff. But, with the big stuff, Dr. Disssaray told Big Tony all about the origins of Humans, and how they evolved from the TyrantoCrankaTsuris.  She got Big Tony to work on his own CrankaTsuris.  She got Big Tony to know how and when to release the CrankaTsuris for maximum effect. 

Big Tony perfected his CrankaTsuris. He never used it on his own Big Family. But, all the other families in town became terrified of Big Tony’s CrankaTsuris.  So much so that Big Tony was now known as the Biggest Boss in town!

The Big Family lived happily ever after.

“So we learned to be careful not to express our inner TyrantoCrankaTsuris or TyrantoKvetchaTsuris too often. Just the right amount yo keep the planet happy and not too cranky.”

Quote from The Last Surviving Dinosaur: The TyrantoCrankaTsuris