LOST IN THE WEEDS CRANKATSURIS, Part One
It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Mr. Schlemiel had one goal: clean out the shed. A simple task. A noble task. A task that would finally allow him to find the rake he lost in 1997.
He opened the shed door and was immediately greeted by a wall of cobwebs, a broken lawn chair, a box labeled “Holiday Lights – Untangle at Your Own Risk,” and a mysterious bag of “Emergency Pickles – Y2K Edition.”
Mr. Schlemiel took a deep breath and said to himself, “Let’s start with the shelf.” But before he could even touch the shelf, he noticed a box labeled “Old Cables.” He opened it. Inside were dozens of tangled wires, chargers for phones that hadn’t existed since the Clinton administration, and something that looked like it belonged in a museum of obsolete technology.
Just then, his neighbor Woody Barker walked by.
“Schlemiel! What are you doing in there?” Woody called out.
“I’m cleaning the shed!” Schlemiel shouted back.
Woody squinted. “Looks like you’re just standing in a pile of wires.”
“I’m organizing the cables so I can find the zip ties to open the toolbox to get the rake to clean the yard!” Schlemiel explained.
Woody nodded. “You’re lost in the weeds, my friend.”
Maple Barker popped her head over the fence. “You know what your problem is? You always start with the cables. You should start with the rake.”
“I can’t get to the rake without the toolbox!” Schlemiel protested.
“Then start with the toolbox!” Maple barked.
“I can’t open the toolbox without the key!”
“Where’s the key?”
“In the junk drawer!”
“Then start with the junk drawer!”
“I did! But I found coupons from 2003 and a VHS tape labeled ‘Important.’”
At that moment, Dr. Sylvia Burt, the renowned Barking Up the Right Tree specialist, happened to be walking her dog, Peeve.
“Mr. Schlemiel,” she said calmly, “you are experiencing a classic case of Lost in the Weeds CrankaTsuris.”
“I knew it!” Schlemiel exclaimed. “Is there a cure?”
Dr. Burt nodded. “Yes. It’s called the One-Thing Method. You pick one thing. Just one. You finish it. Then you celebrate. Then you pick the next thing.”
“But what if I pick the wrong thing?” Schlemiel asked.
“There is no wrong thing,” Dr. Burt said. “Only unfinished things.”
Just then, Birch and Willow Barker came running over.
“Mom! Dad! We found the rake!” Birch shouted.
“It was under the trampoline!” Willow added.
Everyone turned to Schlemiel.
He looked at the rake. Then at the shed. Then at the cables. Then at the rake again.
“I’m going to start with the rake,” he said proudly.
Everyone clapped. Even Peeve barked in approval.
And that, dear reader, is how Mr. Schlemiel finally escaped the weeds. Not by organizing the cables. Not by unlocking the toolbox. But by picking one thing—and finishing it.
So the next time you find yourself knee-deep in expired coupons, tangled wires, and emotional regret, just remember: the weeds are only as tall as your to-do list. And you’ve got a metaphorical machete.
Use it.
🌿 LOST IN THE WEEDS CRANKATSURIS, Part Two
Chapter 1: The Garden of Good Intentions
Meet Nora. Nora loved projects. She had a Pinterest board for everything—closet makeovers, DIY herb gardens, and “25 Ways to Organize Your Life Using Mason Jars.” But her favorite project of all was her backyard garden.
It started with a single tomato plant. Then came the basil. Then the cucumbers. Then the “Pollinator Paradise” wildflower mix. Then the compost bin. Then the worm farm. Then the spreadsheet to track the worm moods.
And then… the weeds.
They came slowly at first. A dandelion here. A crabgrass there. But soon, Nora’s garden looked less like a Pinterest dream and more like a jungle auditioning for a nature documentary.
She stood in the middle of it all, holding a trowel and a half-empty bag of mulch, whispering, “I just wanted fresh salsa…”
Chapter 2: The Cranky Cultivation
Nora’s CrankaTsuris bloomed like a thistle in July.
She tried to weed. But every time she pulled one out, three more popped up like cranky little gremlins. She tried to mulch. The weeds laughed. She tried to ignore them. They grew taller.
One day, she found a note taped to her compost bin:
“We’ve taken over. —The Weeds”
That’s when she knew she needed help.
Chapter 3: The Cranky Gardening Club
Enter the Cranky Gardening Club: a ragtag team of backyard battlers, each with their own Lost in the Weeds CrankaTsuris.
- 🌱 Gary the Grass Whisperer: He once tried to mow his lawn with scissors for “precision.” His superpower? Lawn Envy. He could spot a greener lawn from 3 zip codes away.
- 🌼 Mona the Mulch Maven: She believed mulch could solve anything. Her superpower? Bark Bark. She communicated exclusively in mulch metaphors.
- 🐛 Dennis the Compost Philosopher: He spoke only in riddles and worm facts. His superpower? Existential Gardening. “Are we composting the weeds… or are the weeds composting us?”
- 🧤 Linda the Glove Hoarder: She owned 47 pairs of gardening gloves but could never find a matching set. Her superpower? Fabric Frustration.
Together, they met every Saturday at 9 a.m. sharp (or 9:17, depending on who forgot their trowel), and tried to tame their gardens—and their CrankaTsuris.
Chapter 4: The Superpower Revealed
One day, Nora stood in her garden, surrounded by weeds, worms, and a suspiciously judgmental squirrel. She took a deep breath.
Instead of pulling weeds, she sat down. She looked around. And she laughed.
“This is chaos,” she said. “But it’s my chaos.”
She realized something: the weeds weren’t the enemy. They were just reminders that she cared. That she tried. That she planted something.
Her CrankaTsuris didn’t vanish. But it softened. She called it her “Weed Wisdom.”
Moral of the Story:
Sometimes, we get lost in the weeds—literally and metaphorically. But when we stop fighting the mess and start finding meaning in it, we discover that even the crankiest gardens can grow something beautiful.
Even if it’s just a tomato… and a whole lot of dandelions.
🎙️ Podcast Title: Cranky Superpowers with Steven Joseph (Part Three)
🎧 Episode: Lost in the Weeds CrankaTsuris
🕒 Runtime: ~10 minutes
🎤 Host: Steven Joseph
[INTRO MUSIC – whimsical klezmer jazz with a splash of accordion]
STEVEN JOSEPH (warm, slightly cranky tone):
Hey there, fellow CrankaTsuris carriers! Welcome back to Cranky Superpowers, the podcast where we don’t just embrace our crankiness—we give it a name, a cape, and a juice box.
I’m your host, Steven Joseph, and today we’re diving into a particularly tangled type of crankiness. One that starts with good intentions and ends with you buried under a pile of weeds, worm bins, and existential dread.
That’s right. This is… Lost in the Weeds CrankaTsuris.
[SFX: garden shears snipping, weeds rustling]
STEVEN:
Let me introduce you to Nora. Nora is a dreamer. A doer. A DIY-er with a Pinterest board for every occasion. She wanted a garden. A simple one. Tomatoes, basil, maybe a cucumber or two.
But then came the wildflower mix. The compost bin. The worm farm. The spreadsheet to track worm moods. And then… the weeds.
They came slowly at first. A dandelion here. A crabgrass there. But soon, Nora’s backyard looked like it was auditioning for a reboot of Jumanji: The Gardening Years.
She stood in the middle of it all, holding a trowel and a half-empty bag of mulch, whispering, “I just wanted fresh salsa…”
[SFX: dramatic weed-growing sound]
STEVEN:
That, my friends, is when the Lost in the Weeds CrankaTsuris bloomed.
But Nora wasn’t alone. Oh no. She joined the Cranky Gardening Club—a ragtag team of backyard battlers, each with their own brand of botanical breakdown.
Let’s meet the crew.
[SFX: garden gate creaks open]
GARY (gruff):
I’m Gary the Grass Whisperer. I once mowed my lawn with scissors for “precision.” My superpower? Lawn Envy. I can spot a greener lawn from three zip codes away.
MONA (dramatic):
I’m Mona the Mulch Maven. I believe mulch can solve anything. My superpower? Bark Bark. I speak only in mulch metaphors. “Life is layers, darling. Just like mulch.”
DENNIS (philosophical):
I’m Dennis the Compost Philosopher. I speak in riddles and worm facts. “Are we composting the weeds… or are the weeds composting us?”
LINDA (frantic):
I’m Linda the Glove Hoarder. I own 47 pairs of gardening gloves but can never find a matching set. My superpower? Fabric Frustration.
[SFX: group sighs in unison]
STEVEN:
Together, they met every Saturday at 9 a.m. sharp—or 9:17, depending on who forgot their trowel—and tried to tame their gardens… and their crankiness.
One day, Nora stood in her garden, surrounded by weeds, worms, and a squirrel that looked like it was judging her life choices.
She took a deep breath. And instead of pulling weeds, she sat down.
“This is chaos,” she said. “But it’s my chaos.”
And that, my friends, is when she discovered her superpower: Weed Wisdom.
[SFX: soft breeze, birds chirping again]
STEVEN:
She realized the weeds weren’t the enemy. They were just reminders that she cared. That she tried. That she planted something.
Her CrankaTsuris didn’t vanish. But it softened.
And that’s the secret to surviving Lost in the Weeds CrankaTsuris.
[OUTRO MUSIC – upbeat klezmer returns]
STEVEN:
So the next time you find yourself knee-deep in dandelions, expired seed packets, and a compost bin that smells like regret, just remember: the weeds are only as tall as your to-do list. And you’ve got a metaphorical machete.
Use it.
Thanks for joining me on Cranky Superpowers. If you liked this episode, leave a five-star review—or a strongly worded letter. Either way, I’ll appreciate it… crankily.
Until next time, stay cranky—but make it effective.
[SFX: garden gate closes, weed whacker fades out]
