Hello Fellow Cranksters!
This one’s a full-blown motivational collapse — where every Grumble interprets “try, try again” as “why, why bother?” Whether it’s brisket, spreadsheets, romance, or emotional growth, the moment something doesn’t work the first time, it’s declared a failure and laminated as a cautionary tale.
🎙️ Episode 71: “If You First Don’t Succeed CrankaTsuris”
Tagline: Because if you first don’t succeed… why even bother?
[00:00–00:30] INTRO MUSIC
SFX: A motivational jingle starts, then abruptly cuts off with a sigh.
BIRDIE: “FAILURE IS A FAMILY TRADITION!”
MUSIC: Klezmer remix of Eye of the Tiger — but every “rising up” is replaced with “giving up.”
[00:30–02:00] OPENING MONOLOGUE
DEBBIE (narrating):
Steven… this is a podcast episode where perseverance is politely declined, and second chances are considered emotionally inefficient.
We’re calling it If You First Don’t Succeed CrankaTsuris — because in this family, the moment something doesn’t work, it’s declared a cautionary tale and laminated for future avoidance.
Barry’s spreadsheet has a tab labeled “Attempts,” but it’s just a list of things he’s sworn never to try again.
Sylvia once burned a brisket in 1987 and hasn’t touched an oven since.
And Birdie? Birdie tried yoga once, fell off the perch, and now leads a support group called “Quitters Anonymous.”
[02:00–05:00] Segment 1: Sylvia’s Brisket Boycott
SYLVIA:
I tried a new brisket rub once.
SHAYNA:
And?
SYLVIA:
It was too spicy. I’ve forgone seasoning ever since.
BIRDIE:
“CULINARY TRAUMA IS REAL!”
[05:00–08:00] Segment 2: Barry’s Spreadsheet of Abandonment
BARRY:
I built a spreadsheet to track my goals.
TINA:
How’s it going?
BARRY:
I deleted Tab 1. It was labeled “Hope.”
BIRDIE:
“DATA DOESN’T DO SECOND CHANCES!”
[08:00–11:00] Segment 3: Shayna’s Romantic Retreat
SHAYNA:
I texted him first.
SYLVIA:
That’s brave!
SHAYNA:
He replied “cool.”
BARRY:
That’s a red flag.
SHAYNA:
I’ve forgone dating. I’m emotionally retired.
BIRDIE:
“THE HEART HAS LEFT THE CHAT!”
[11:00–14:00] Segment 4: Grandpa Herschel’s Card Game Collapse
GRANDPA HERSCHEL:
I lost one round of gin rummy.
SYLVIA:
So play again!
GRANDPA HERSCHEL:
I’ve shredded the deck.
BIRDIE:
“THE GAME IS DEAD TO HIM!”
[14:00–17:00] 🎧 SPONSOR PARODY SEGMENT
VOICEOVER:
This episode is brought to you by WhyEvenTry™ — the only app that turns minor setbacks into lifelong avoidance strategies.
WhyEvenTry™: Because failure is just success that got tired.
[17:00–20:00] Segment 5: Tina’s Hobby Graveyard
TINA:
I tried knitting.
SHAYNA:
And?
TINA:
I made a scarf that looked like a tax audit.
BARRY:
That’s impressive.
TINA:
I’ve forgone hobbies.
BIRDIE:
“CREATIVITY IS A RISK!”
[20:00–26:00] CLOSING MONOLOGUE
DEBBIE (narrating):
In this family, failure isn’t a stepping stone — it’s a permanent detour.
They’ve forgone resilience, laminated their regrets, and built a shrine to the first attempt.
So next time you hear “try again”… don’t say it in front of Sylvia.
She’s still mad about the brisket.
