I Was Not Born Yesterday CrankaTsuris

📖 Generations of Grumbles

“I Was Not Born Yesterday CrankaTsuris”
Starring Debbie, with the usual suspects and a guest appearance by common sense (briefly)

[INTRO MUSIC: Klezmer with a side of side-eye]

DEBBIE (narrating):
Let me explain something to you.
I’ve lived through disco, dial-up, and the great margarine debate of 1983.
I’ve parallel parked a station wagon the size of a cruise ship.
So when someone tries to tell me, “That’s just how it works now,” I say:
“I was not born yesterday, CrankaTsuris. I was born with receipts.”

🧠 Segment 1: The Password Paradox

DEBBIE:
They want a password with a capital letter, a number, a symbol, a childhood trauma, and a squirrel emoji.
Then they say, “You can’t reuse a password.”
I say, “I’ve reused Tupperware from 1992. I’m reusing this password.”
And don’t get me started on two-factor authentication.
If I wanted to solve a riddle every time I checked my email, I’d go back to dating in the ’70s.

📱 Segment 2: The App Trap

DEBBIE:
Jake says, “Just download the app.”
I say, “I have 87 apps. I use three. One is for coupons, one is for weather, and one is for yelling at my pharmacy.”
He says, “You can’t call them anymore.”
I say, “I was not born yesterday, CrankaTsuris. I still have a landline. And I will leave a voicemail. With punctuation.”

🧾 Segment 3: The Receipt That Time Forgot

DEBBIE:
Linda tried to return a sweater.
They said, “Do you have the receipt?”
She pulled out a scroll. It unrolled across the floor like the Dead Sea Scrolls.
They said, “We don’t accept paper receipts anymore.”
I said, “You accept Apple Pay, facial recognition, and cryptocurrency, but not paper? What are you, allergic to trees?”

🧓 Segment 4: Morty’s Memory Lane

MORTY:
They told me I needed a QR code to get into the building.
I said, “I have a Q-tip and a coupon. Will that do?”

DEBBIE:
Morty once paid a phone bill in person. With a handshake and a babka.
He’s not adapting. He’s resisting.

🧃 Segment 5: Max’s Sanitizer Spiral

MAX:
They said the sanitizer was “contactless.”
It sprayed me in the eye.
I haven’t blinked in 36 hours.

DEBBIE:
I said, “I was not born yesterday, CrankaTsuris. I remember when we just washed our hands. With soap. And fear. And a towel that never dried.”

🧁 Segment 6: Zoe’s Sticker Economy

ZOE:
I traded three “I Was Brave Today” stickers for a juice box and a fidget spinner.

DEBBIE:
She’s running a black-market sticker cartel out of her backpack.
I respect the hustle.

🎙️ Outro

DEBBIE:
So what’s the moral?
Just because something is new doesn’t mean it’s better.
And just because I don’t know how to use it doesn’t mean I’m wrong.
I was not born yesterday.
I was born prepared.
With snacks in my purse, a backup plan in my glove compartment, and a healthy distrust of anything that says “seamless.”
Because if it were truly seamless, I wouldn’t need a 14-step tutorial and a teenager to explain it.

[OUTRO MUSIC: Triumphant klezmer with a sarcastic cymbal crash]

DEBBIE:
Next time on Generations of Grumbles: “The Tech Support Séance.”
Spoiler: Morty tries to summon Clippy from beyond the grave.
He still offers “help with formatting.”

🎙️ Generations of Grumbles

Episode 7: “I Was Not Born Yesterday CrankaTsuris”
Starring Debbie and the usual suspects

[INTRO MUSIC: Klezmer with a side of side-eye and a slow-building snare drum]

DEBBIE (narrating):
Welcome back to Generations of Grumbles, the podcast where family bonding is tested in the wildest of places—waiting rooms, pharmacies, and today… the battlefield of modern nonsense.
I’m Debbie—your host, your mom, and your emotional support clipboard.
Today’s episode: I Was Not Born Yesterday CrankaTsuris.
Because sometimes, the only thing more exhausting than aging… is pretending you don’t know better.

🧠 Segment 1: The Password Paradox

[SFX: Keyboard typing, error buzz, dramatic sigh]

DEBBIE:
They want a password with a capital letter, a number, a symbol, a childhood trauma, and a squirrel emoji.
Then they say, “You can’t reuse a password.”
I say, “I’ve reused Tupperware from 1992. I’m reusing this password.”
And don’t get me started on two-factor authentication.
If I wanted to solve a riddle every time I checked my email, I’d go back to dating in the ’70s.

📱 Segment 2: The App Trap

[SFX: Phone notification, app loading, confused beeping]

JAKE:
Just download the app, Mom.

DEBBIE:
I have 87 apps. I use three. One is for coupons, one is for weather, and one is for yelling at my pharmacy.
You can’t call them anymore?
I was not born yesterday, CrankaTsuris. I still have a landline. And I will leave a voicemail. With punctuation.

🧾 Segment 3: The Receipt That Time Forgot

[SFX: Paper unrolling, cash register ding]

LINDA:
I’m returning this sweater. I have the receipt.

CLERK (off mic):
We don’t accept paper receipts anymore.

DEBBIE:
You accept Apple Pay, facial recognition, and cryptocurrency, but not paper?
What are you, allergic to trees?

🧓 Segment 4: Morty’s Memory Lane

[SFX: Elevator ding, distant Muzak]

MORTY:
They told me I needed a QR code to get into the building.
I said, “I have a Q-tip and a coupon. Will that do?”

DEBBIE:
Morty once paid a phone bill in person. With a handshake and a babka.
He’s not adapting. He’s resisting.

🧃 Segment 5: Max’s Sanitizer Spiral

[SFX: Sanitizer squirting, startled yelp]

MAX:
They said the sanitizer was “contactless.”
It sprayed me in the eye.
I haven’t blinked in 36 hours.

DEBBIE:
I was not born yesterday, CrankaTsuris.
I remember when we just washed our hands. With soap. And fear.
And a towel that never dried.

🧁 Segment 6: Zoe’s Sticker Economy

[SFX: Sticker peeling, juice box slurp]

ZOE:
I traded three “I Was Brave Today” stickers for a juice box and a fidget spinner.

DEBBIE:
She’s running a black-market sticker cartel out of her backpack.
Honestly? I respect the hustle.

🎙️ Outro

[OUTRO MUSIC: Triumphant klezmer with a sarcastic cymbal crash]

DEBBIE:
So what’s the moral?
Just because something is new doesn’t mean it’s better.
And just because I don’t know how to use it doesn’t mean I’m wrong.
I was not born yesterday.
I was born prepared.
With snacks in my purse, a backup plan in my glove compartment, and a healthy distrust of anything that says “seamless.”
Because if it were truly seamless, I wouldn’t need a 14-step tutorial and a teenager to explain it.

DEBBIE:
Next time on Generations of Grumbles: “The Tech Support Séance.”
Spoiler: Morty tries to summon Clippy from beyond the grave.
He still offers “help with formatting.