Podcast Script: Generations of Grumbles
Episode 5: “Health Coverage CrankaTsuris: The Deductible of Dread”
Featuring Guest Voice Actor: Insurance Rep Irene (with sinister echo)
Podcast Script: Generations of Grumbles
Episode 5: “Health Coverage CrankaTsuris: The Deductible of Dread”
Featuring Guest Voice Actor: Insurance Rep Irene (now with a sinister echo)
[INTRO MUSIC: Ominous klezmer with creaking violins and a heartbeat rhythm]
NARRATOR (Debbie):
Welcome back to Generations of Grumbles, the podcast where family bonding is tested in the most terrifying of places—waiting rooms, holiday dinners, and today… the insurance underworld.
I’m Debbie—your host, your mom, and your emotional support clipboard.
Today’s episode: Health Coverage CrankaTsuris: The Deductible of Dread.
Because nothing is scarier than a bill you don’t understand.
🕯️ Segment 1: The Call That Never Ends
[SFX: Phone dialing, distorted hold music, whispering voices]
DEBBIE (narrating):
I called the insurance company at 9:03 a.m.
At 9:04, I was on hold.
At 10:17, I began to hear… things.
VOICE ON HOLD (whispering):
Your claim is… pending… forever…
🧾 Segment 2: Barry’s Bill from the Beyond
BARRY (trembling):
It says I owe $666.66 for a “phantom consultation.”
I never saw a doctor that day!
DEBBIE:
Did you maybe… pass by one in the hallway?
BARRY:
I made eye contact with a man in a lab coat.
He nodded.
Was that… the consultation?
🧮 Segment 3: Tina’s Spreadsheet of Shadows
TINA (typing frantically):
The deductible resets every time I open the portal—
I mean, the app.
It’s like the numbers are… alive.
[SFX: Calculator beeping turns into a heartbeat]
TINA:
It just added a “copay of the damned.”
📠 Segment 4: Max and the Cursed Fax
MAX (panicked):
They said I have to fax the form…
But every time I send it, it comes back… blank.
LINDA:
Try using the sacred toner.
MAX:
We ran out in 2007.
📱 Segment 5: Jake’s App of Annihilation
JAKE (horrified):
The app just asked for my soul.
I clicked “maybe later.”
DEBBIE:
Good. Never agree to the terms and conditions.
🧓 Segment 6: Morty’s Medicare Séance
MORTY:
I called the Medicare hotline.
A voice answered.
It was… my old doctor.
He’s been retired since 1993.
DEBBIE:
What did he say?
MORTY:
“Your coverage is… incomplete.”
☎️ Segment 7: The Rep Awakens
[SFX: Phone click, silence, then a low hum]
INSURANCE REP IRENE (echoing, otherworldly):
Thank you for holding.
Your claim has been… denied.
Would you like to appeal… or scream?
DEBBIE (calmly):
Both.
🧠 Twist Ending: The Coverage Revelation
[SFX: Thunder rumble, eerie silence, then a soft chime]
INSURANCE REP IRENE (suddenly cheerful):
Oh! It looks like your procedure was covered after all.
It was just filed under the wrong code: “47-B” should’ve been “47-BRISKET.”
DEBBIE (confused):
Brisket?
IRENE:
Yes. It’s part of our new Cultural Comforts Clause.
If your family mentions brisket during the call, you get full coverage.
BARRY (shouting):
I knew the brisket would save us!
MORTY:
I demand retroactive brisket reimbursement!
JAKE:
Wait… so all this horror, all this chaos… was because we didn’t say the magic word?
DEBBIE:
Next time, I’m opening with kugel.
🎙️ Final Outro
DEBBIE:
So what’s the real moral?
Sometimes, the system isn’t broken—it’s just absurd.
And in the world of health insurance, the only thing scarier than a denied claim…
is realizing it was covered all along.
You just didn’t say brisket.
[OUTRO MUSIC: Klezmer meets Twilight Zone theme]
DEBBIE:
Next time on Generations of Grumbles: “Prescription Pick-Up Pandemonium.”
Spoiler: The pharmacist is a vampire. And he’s out of refills.
