CrankaTsuris Impatient

There are many different kinds of CrankaTsuris that can easily take hold of ourselves.  Some can be easily dealt with.  Others can be tricky, but many cures are available.  However, probably one of the most difficult type of CrankaTsuris that we have all experienced is CrankaTsuris Impatience.  The bus is late.  When will this boring lecture end?  “Timmy, are you dressed yet?  We have to get to Grandma in an hour, and I do not want to be late!” “How long do we have to sit in this traffic?” “When can I open up my presents?”

CrankaTsuris Impatience is as natural to the human experience as CrankaTsuris itself.  However, we have to be careful not to come down with a severe and terminal case of CrankaTsuris Impatience.  Those who are afflicted with this extreme form of CrankaTsuris Impatience can never be in a relationship.  They can never hold a job. They can never keep a project. They can never finish a book.  The list goes on and on. It is not too off to say that this is a form of Attention Deficit Disorder.  However, it has an added dose of CrankaTsuris for the person who is experiencing the impatience as well as those around that person.

Because of this, we have to look at those moments when we are feeling the CrankaTsuis Impatience as an opportunity to practice patience. There is a reason that we say “patience is a virtue.” There is a reason that we like to complement ourselves once in a while by saying “My patience really paid off.”  The reason is that it is actually true.  Once you start to see the opportunity, and then put it into practice, you can then notice the payoff.

You may ask where the “Patience pays off” line originated. The line “My Patience really paid off!” was made famous by one person.  His name was Harry Bagrier. While that was, in fact, his real name, from the time he was a mere ten years old, his classmates would call him “Hairy Big Rear.”  Even his teachers would call him “Hairy Big Rear.”

Poor Harry would try to correct those people who would call him that.  However, it was of no use. He would constantly be called Hairy Big Rear. Unfortunately, Harry did have a big rear.  Whether it was in fact hairy, nobody knew for sure.

Now, you can understand that if everyone always called you by a wrong name, and a mean one at that, you too would become quite impatient. You probably can understand how such a person can develop Cranktsuris Impatience. 

As Harry grew older, he in fact developed a severe form of CrankaTsuris Impatience.  He spent most of his day in his car, aggressively driving around and honking his horn. Harry loved to honk his horn at anything that disturbed him. He would just imagine that the person in front of him was one of those mean kids who would laugh at him and call him Hairy Big Rear.

Harry also used his car as his dining room. Harry never had the patience to actually sit at a table or go to a restaurant.  So, he would always go to the nearest fast food drive through, and eat in the car.  His car was littered with fast food cartons and paper wraps because Harry never had the patience to throw any of the wrappers away.  If Harry had any passengers, which was very rare, that person would literally have to climb on top of all the paper wrappers and open ketchup and mustard packages that was piled on to the front seat next to Harry.

Finally, one day, after honking at a person in front to him on the Interstate, Harry was pulled over arrested for being a public nuisance due to his aggressive and obnoxious driving. Harry was given a ticket. After he was found guilty, Harry was ordered to go before a judge for sentencing. The judge, by sheer coincidence, was named Judge Impatient.

Judge Impatient: Hairy Big Rear. Will you please stand up?

Harry: Your honor sir, my name is Harry Bagrier.

Judge Impatient: That is what I said. Hairy Big Rear. Please show your respect to the Court.

Harry: Yes, your honor. But, it is Harry Bagrier.

Judge Impatient: I see that you have been found guilty of severe honking abuse while driving on the Interstate. It is also noted that you had also been found guilty of honking your horn and causing a nuisance at McDonald’s, Burger King, and Taco Bell. Hairy Big Rear, do you have an explanation for this continuing obnoxious honking?

Harry: Your honor. I am sorry, but you see, I happen to be a very impatient person. I can’t stand to sit in traffic or wait on line at the drive-through. The people in front of me are not paying attention to the road, but they are on their cell phones. So, I honk and honk, and honk till I can get their attention.

Judge Impatient: (Interrupted as he was busy texting on his cell phone) I missed the second part of your statement, but I heard that you have stated that you are a very impatient person. So, I will give you a choice. Either, I will sentence you to three years in the State Penitentiary, or you can avoid a prison sentence altogether by spending some time at the Institute for Severely Impatient People.

Harry: If I go to the Institute, will it be on an inpatient or outpatient basis?

Judge Impatient: It will be on an Inpatient basis. You will stay at the Institute until you learn to have some patience.

Harry: That is a problem. You see, I am very impatient. I do not think I can handle that inpatient stuff.

Judge Impatient: You have a choice. You can either be an inpatient or an in-prisoner. I recommend strongly that you go for inpatient. Other prisoners at the State Penitentiary do not treat hairy big rears all too well. You do not want me to go into any details.

Hearing this, Harry thought it would be wise to take the inpatient option. The next day, he packed up his bags, and drove off to the Institute for Severely Impatient People. He walked in, and introduced himself to the Patient Team waiting for him at the door. The Patient team was led by a tall silver haired man with a grey beard who, by sheer coincidence, had the name “Dr. Patience.”

Dr. Patience: Harry Bagrier!! Welcome to the Institute of Severely Impatient People! You will at first find our treatment to extremely difficult, but I can assure you. When you are permitted to leave, you will a truly patient person.

Harry: You called me Harry Bagrier!

Dr. Patience: Yes. That is your name. We pay attention to details like that. Do you see the big sign above me on the wall?

Harry read the sign out loud: “Impatience creates tension. Just be patient and just pay attention.”

Dr. Patience: Yes. That is the practice. Now, your first task after you check in to your room is to come back down, and clean your car. We noticed that your car is filled with wrappers and cartons from all the fast food stops in town. You will fold the wrappers and stack them in a neat pile. The plastic cups all have to be stacked as well. When you are done, you can come back to the Institute for the next assignment.

Harry: You called me Harry Bagrier. Nobody has ever called me by my real name before. But, cleaning out my car can take hours. There are years and years of wrappers in there. Some are stuck together by old ketchup and mayonnaise packages.

Dr. Patience: Harry, just be patient and just pay attention. Impatience creates tension. Do you want to know what that tension will be if you show impatience?

Harry feebly asked, “What is the tension?”

Dr. Patience answered: “The State Penitentiary.”

Harry did not want to go to the State Penitentiary. So, Harry then went to his car. One by one, he pulled out each wrapper, each condiment package, and all the plastic cups that took up all of the passenger seats in the car. Dr. Patience had his staff bring over three recycling dumpsters that were completely filled up by the time Harry was all finished. Harry felt a sense of pride that he actually was able to see the inside of his car.

That night, he was led to the kitchen. The staff was beginning to prepare a delicious meal with all the finest ingredients. Harry’s appetite grew from the smell. The chef walked over to Harry with a peeler. The chef’s name, by sheer coincidence, was Chef Patience.

Chef Patience: Tonight, we will have a delicious feast. But first, we have to prepare the meal. You will have the job of peeling. Peeling potatoes. Peeling onions. Peeling beets. Peeling zucchini. Peeling apples. Peeling mangos. Do you understand? Remember. Show patience and just pay attention. Be impatient, and you will create tension.

Harry feebly asked, “What is the tension?”

Chef Patience answered, “The State Penitentiary.”

Harry did not want to go the State Penitentiary. So, Harry began to feel the pile of vegetables and fruits that was placed before him. That night, he was amazed by how delicious everything tasted. He was also touched by the fact that everyone called him Harry. There was not a single person who referred to him as “Hairy Big Rear.”

The next day, Harry was led into a large room that was completely bare except for the cushions and mats placed side by side. The walls were painted white. There was a window that allowed the light to shine through. He was welcomed a grey haired man with a silver beard. Harry was told that this man was known as a “Zen Master.” THe Zen Master’s name, by sheer coincidence, was Master Patience.

Master Patience: Harry Bagrier. So nice to meet you. For the next seven days, you will be sitting on a cushion with our other guests, and simply meditate or stare at the wall. You will sit for 30 minutes, and when the bell rings, you will do a walking meditation for another 10 minutes. We will do this all day. You will keep your eyes open and count from one to ten, and then count backwards from ten to one. Remember to just be patient and pay attention to your counting practice. Be impatient, and you will create tension.

Harry feebly asked, “What is the tension?”

Master Patience answered, “The State Penitentiary.”

Harry did not want to go to the State Penitentiary. So, Harry sat on the cushion and began to count one to ten, and then ten to one. Over and over again, he counted, until he felt he was in a trance. At the end of the sitting meditation, everyone walked slowly in a meditative pace. When everyone was done, they all walked up to Harry and bowed, and stating his name.

“Harry Bagrier.”

Harry was touched that everyone called him Harry. Harry also began to feel a sense of peace and calm. At the end of the seven day mediation, everyone walked over to Harry and bowed. When they all bowed, they each said respectfully:

“Master Harry Bagrier.”

The next day, Harry was met by Dr. Patience. Harry was excited to see Dr. Patience because he thought that, after the seven days of meditation, he would be allowed to leave the Institute. Dr. Patience, however, was holding a very large pill. Next to him, there was a man holding a straightjacket. A nurse was holding a spoon and a glass of water.

Dr. Patience: Harry, you have done well so far. All you have to do is swallow this pill. Once you swallow the pill, we will pronounce you as being fully cured, and you will be released. You get one attempt now to swallow the pill. If you fail, we will then put you in a straightjacket. Your task will then be to first get out of the straightjacket, place the pill in the spoon. You then put the pill into the glass of water, and drink the water. You complete that task and you will be released. Remember just to be patient and pay attention. Show impatience, and you will create tension.

Harry asked feebly, “What is the tension?”

Dr. Patience answered, “The State Penitentiary.”

Harry did not want to go to the State Penitentiary. Harry quickly grabbed the pill from Dr. Patience’s hand and tried to swallow the pill. However, no matter what he did, Harry found that the pill was just too hard to swallow. Harry was then led to a room and put into the straightjacket. The spoon and glass was placed on the table at the end of the room.

Harry at first started to wrestle and thrash back and forth trying to get out of the straightjacket. After a few hours, Harry got tired and plopped to the floor. He felt his breath, and just started to stare a the spoon with the pill. Harry became transfixed by the spoon, and after an hour of staring at the spoon, the spoon began to levitate off the table. Harry intuitively began to look at the spoon as if he was giving it directions. The spoon plopped the pill into the glass of water,and the pill quickly dissolved.

Harry then noticed his arms beginning to move. Slowly, he was able to move the left arm out of his left sleeve, and then saw that he was able to do the same with his right arm. Once his arms were both free, he lifted the straightjacket off. Harry walked over and drank the water.

Harry Bagrier was declared to be a patient person, and was released from the Institute for Severely Impatient People. Years later, Harry no longer had a big rear. He changed his name to Sammy Spoodini. He became known as a Master Magician, and was able to be placed in a straightjacket and chains, put into a big trunk, dropped into a giant pool of water, and still escape alive. He also opened up the finest restaurant in town called “Spoodini’s Great Feast.”

When asked about his success, Harry had only one thing to say:

“Patience really pays off.”


Explore Steven's Blog:





Kid Stuff

Kid Stuff





You May Also Like:

Vulcan CrankaTsuris

In “A Grownup Guide to Effective Crankiness: The CrankaTsuris Method”, I wrote about the Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back. The Camel named Camel was

Read More »
Steven Joseph, author, head shot with a hat

Let's Connect

Allow me to share updates on my writing and appearances with you by joining my mailing list.