Author Note: This story is a story that has been expanded upon from the original “Guru” joke set out in Michael Krasny’s wonderful book “Let There Be Laughter.” The story below adds a bit of CrankaTsuris and expands on the heroics and exploits of Mrs. Rosenblum. Remember always to bring up your wheely bag when climbing up Mount Everest!
Recently, the Sierra Club organized a climb up to the top of Mount Everest. This was to be a special climb up the revered mountain because all of the participants were among the top mountain climbers in the world.
Except for one.
Just before the group assembled to begin the ascent up the mountain, Mrs. Rosenblum walked up to the group with her wheely bag and informed the leader of the group that she was joining the climb up the mountain.
The leader looked at Mrs. Rosenblum, and saw that she appeared to be old and frail. He advised her how a strenuous and dangerous trip it would be to climb the world’s tallest mountain, and she did not appear to be the kind of person who would be able to climb up to such heights.
Mrs. Rosenblum was undeterred. She looked the leader in the eye and said, “Let me tell you a bit about myself. I am alone now, but I was married to this bum for forty years. The bum left me, and you should know this. Being married to him was better training than any of your fancy shmancy mountain climbers may have ever had. Not even close.”
The leader said “Okay. But, you will need to sign a release. Also, because of your advanced age, I will have to assign you an extra sherpa. The extra sherpa will cost you double the price of one sherpa. Maybe, you will need three. If you do not make it up, the sherpas will have to carry you down.”
Mrs. Rosenblum replied “I will sign any release you give me. But, I do not need any of your sherpas. Why don’t you give the sherpas to your fancy shmancy mountain climbers? They will need them more than I will. I assure you.”
The leader shook his head in disbelief but now turned attention to the entire group. He started to talk to the group:
“We are now going to ascend up to the top of Mount Everest. You should all know that, at the top of the mountain, there is a cave. Inside the cave, there is a man who lives there who is known as “the guru.” He is known as one of the wisest men in all the world, and leaders of countries and industry alike consult with him, seeking his guidance.”
The leader continued:
“I have been informed that the guru has indicated that he is willing to meet only with the first person from our group to reach the top of the summit of the mountain. The one rule that the guru instructs that this person shall follow is that he or she is allowed only to speak three words. No more than three words! This will truly be a special experience for the first person to reach the top of the mountain.”
The group of experienced mountain climbers and Mrs. Rosenblum, with her wheely bag, began their ascent up the mountain. To the disbelief of all the other climbers, Mrs. Rosenblum outpaced everyone and was the first person to reach the top of the mountain.
When the leader arrived, he congratulated Mrs. Rosenblum.
“Mrs. Rosenblum, what you did was truly amazing. This is one of the most difficult climbs even for the most experienced mountain climber. As promised, since you were the first person to reach the top of the mountain, you, and only you, get a private meeting with the guru. But, please remember. You can only say three words.”
Mrs. Rosenblum walked inside the cave, and almost immediately, the other climbers outside the mountain heard lots of clanging, and the sound of glass being thrown and shattered against the wall of the cave. Everyone heard the distinct sound of a man shrieking, but nobody dared to venture inside the cave of the guru.
An hour later, Mrs. Rosenblum walked out of the cave. She looked at the leader and said, “Come to think of it, I will need two of the sherpas to help your guru over here.”
The leader, being curious and somewhat white-faced at what exactly happened inside the cave, asked Mrs. Rosenblum “Did you say three words?”
Mrs. Rosenblum replied: “Yes. I said three words and only three words. Not a word more.”
The leader asked: “What were the three words?”
Mrs. Rosenblum responded: “SHELDON, YOU PUTZ!”
As this story show, because the CrankaTsuris is part of our true nature, sometimes we find ourselves climbing to the top of the highest mountain to get our fill of some good wholesome CrankaTsuris.